Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
