Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
