Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
