I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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