haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
