There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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