is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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