I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think I am morally bankrupt
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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