We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
how does that bad decision feel?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
