Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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