My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
