My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
