Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize