Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
