Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
