Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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