i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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