If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
