Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
