taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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