cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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