My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
