Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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