don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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