i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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