Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
