I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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