You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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