Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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