this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
