At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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