I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
