I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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