Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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