My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
