I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
