is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
A bitchslap is in order.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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