Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
