I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
