I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
