my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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