I just threw up on my dentist
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
