dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
