you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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