My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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