My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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