Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
