it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
