Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
