That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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