he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
