I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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