You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.