it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
