My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
