i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
