Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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