i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There r osticjed everywhere
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
